Which Scary Movie to Watch for Halloween? Use this guide as your handy mood ring to help you decide

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Oh, you know, the standard:

Fine, whatever, Nightmare on Elm Street it is

 

Oh, okay, classic standard:

The Exorcist

 

Ugh, real life is scary enough:

13th

HyperNormalisation

 

Gimme Witches:

The VVitch

 

Gimme witches but maybe only kinda scary and don’t eat babies:

Stardust

 

I prefer a more positive portrayal of my witches:

Bell, Book and Candle

 

Maybe a little bit naughtier:

The Witches of Eastwick

 

I like my horror with creepy children:

Children of the Corn

The Omen

 

I like my horror with creepy children who speak German:

Goodnight Mommy

 

No wait, same story but in Korean:

A Tale of Two Sisters

 

Gimme orange-colored blood:

Anything by Roger Corman in the 1960s-70s, but try Masque of the Red Death

 

I like my horror with a dose of feminism:

The Descent

 

I like my horror with ’90s feminism:

The Craft

 

I like my horror as a straight up allegory for feminism:

Teeth

 

But dammit, it has to be intersectional:

Sugar Hill

 

But not with tired voodoo tropes:

28 Days Later

 

I like my horror with a dose of feminism but also pulpy exploitation:

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

And a lot of monologuing and stretched-out discussions unrelated to the plot:

Death Proof

 

I like watching horror films, but hate being interrupted every 20 minutes to go to the door for trick-or-treaters:

Three…Extremes

 

I like my horror to be unsettling:

Donnie Darko

 

I want unsettling and in Greek:

Dogtooth

 

Unsettling with Cold War anxiety

Possession

 

I like my horror to be unsettling and almost unwatchable:

Oldboy

 

I want to wonder what the hell I’m watching:

Phantom of the Paradise

 

And question all my life choices:

I Spit on Your Grave

 

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned ghosts?

Kwaidan

 

Haunted houses do it for me:

The Others

 

Especially Japanese haunted houses:

House

 

You know what? Space actually scares the shit out of me:

Alien

 

But, like, with badass military:

Aliens

 

With Michael Fassbender:

Prometheus

 

How about with TWO Michael Fassbenders?

Alien: Covenant

 

Circuses and carnivals freak me out:

Carnival of Souls

 

Especially with Alejandro Jodorowsky:

Santa Sangre

 

God and the Old Testament terrify me:

Mother!

 

Gimme Shakespearean:

Warm Bodies

 

Dammit, gimme highbrow and Shakespearean:

Titus

Throne of Blood

 

Wait, lowbrow and Shakespearean:

Theatre of Blood (bonus for Lady Tyrell fans)

 

Even lower-brow with James Earl Jones randomly quoting Othello:

Blood Tide

 

I want to make my friends hate me:

Human Centipede

 

I have a high threshold for unbearable things and I hate fascists:

Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom

 

We needs vampires! We needs it!!!:

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (because they’d better not goddamn sparkle)

 

With even more adolescent angst:

Let the Right One In

 

Never mind, I’m team werewolf:

Ginger Snaps

 

Werewolves and irony:

FDR: American Badass

 

Gimme Zombies:

Train to Busan

 

Zombies forever:

Planet Terror

 

But with Bill Murray:

Zombieland

 

I just wish David Bowie would come back to life as a vampire:

The Hunger

 

But I’ll settle for Tilda Swinton:

Only Lovers Left Alive

 

Speaking of, I want a universe in which Big Ed and Nadine stay together:

The People Under the Stairs

 

I always wanted a monster film set at a ski resort:

Snowbeast

 

I like when real monsters are human beings:

Green Room

 

Or when the scarier white people turn out to be the pseudo-liberals you thought you could trust:

Get Out

 

Nah, I just want Ash:

Army of Darkness

 

No one talked about mummies yet:

Bubba Ho-Tep. There you go.

 

I want something literary, about writing:

Gothic

 

I feel like I should go to the source, but is there a good Frankenstein movie?

No, but watch Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein anyway

 

But then I feel guilty not watching a feminist horror film:

The Bride

 

Is there anything with a Babadook in it?

Don’t Look Now

 

Dammit, I’m going to be home alone with my mom:

Rebecca

 

But she’s kinda down for weird culty shit:

The Black Cat

 

 

1 comments on “Which Scary Movie to Watch for Halloween? Use this guide as your handy mood ring to help you decide”

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